Oh! Immanuel Kant was a real pissant,
Who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger, was a boozy begger,
Who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume,
Schoepenhauer and Haegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine,
Who was just as sloshed as Schlagel.

There was nothing Neitsche couldn't teach ye
About the raising of the wrist.
Socrates himself was permanently pissed.

Oh! John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
Drank half a pint of shandy (was particularly ill).
Plato, they say, could stick it away,
Half a crate of whiskey every day.
Aristotle, Aristotle, was a bugger for the bottle.
Hobbes was fond of his dram.
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart.
``I drink, therefore I am!''

Oh, Socrates himself is particularly missed.
A lovely little thinker....
But a bugger when he's pissed!

This is presumably copyrighted material by Monty Python and/or the BBC, but it's been floating around on the Net without attribution for years. Please don't sue Greg; he isn't worth that much...